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This Fickle Heart

DAY 11: A song that you never get tired of

Grand Theft Autumn / Where Is Your Boy – Fall Out Boy

Thoughts:
Surprise! Another category that I could choose a million songs for. I settled with this song because it’s probably my favorite Fall Out Boy song, it’s from their first album (if you don’t count their EP that was released a few months before this) which is also my favorite (possibly tied with From Under the Cork Tree though…).

Songs that I will never get tired of are ones that I OBSESSED over growing up or that have a good memory/feeling attached to them. A good memory doesn’t mean it needs to be something that made me happy or a time when something good happened. It can, but it’s also can be those moments you reflect on fondly, like a moment you might of learned something that could have been painful or hard at the time but made you a better person or lead to something greater later on.

Songs you never get tired of are like family or old friends. They’ve just been there for you for so long, some times since the beginning, and you can’t help but love them or find use for them. Songs you never get tired of are the songs that have your back, that you keep in your emergency music first aid kit, that you’ll repeatedly tell your grandchildren stories about, that you’ll hear and everything will always feel right and good for a minute or two. I think they can also tell you a lot about a person. I love learning things like that about people. If anyone is reading this and feels like indulging me let me know what song is one you’ll never get tired of. Try to think of just one and really think why it is that you never get tired of it. I would love to hear what anyone has to say.

Memory:
Well, I guess I better do some reflection so I can explain why I think I never get tired of this song…

I really love Fall Out Boy’s earlier stuff. I got into them in eighth grade and saw them at Warped Tour the summer before freshmen year when From Under the Cork Tree was just starting to catch on. This Warped Tour was actually my first Warped Tour and I told my best friend I NEEDED to see them. So we watch Bedouin Soundclash which at the time was a very interesting experience for me…different crowd than I was use to. (I really like their song, Gyasi Went Home.) Anyways the crowd for them was pretty small so we were able to be in the front when Fall Out Boy came on after them. Ugh, I was in heaven, my heart was so happy…

I remember starting my freshmen year of high school and everyone loved Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down and Dance, Dance and they were getting a lot of air time on the radio. I was just like, “…that albums almost a year old (in reality it was only like four or five months old, time feels a lot longer when you’re younger), where have you guys been? Also you should probably familiarize yourself with Take This To Your Grave because it’s amazing.” Fall Out Boy is the first band I got really “snobby” about. Like I knew what all the lyrics where and I knew both their albums (Oooooo, haha) and I liked them before they were on the radio. Which is funny now because I still like them but after From Under the Cork Tree I lost sight of them for awhile and came back around Save Rock And Roll. My best friend (since eighth grade to the present whom I went to Warped Tour with) loves Fall Out Boy now. We kind of switched roles, I was obsessed with them when they first started and she got into them because I gushed about them so much and now she’s obsessed with them and keeps up with them a little more than me. I’m still just like… I really like Take This To Your Grave…do the youngsters know about Take This To Your Grave? Haha.

I think I’m so attached to this song and album because it felt like my own little secret for awhile. It was my thing. I loved them from album one. I mean I was a little behind but when From Under the Cork Tree came out, I found out they had another album, Take This To Your Grave and I listened to it as soon as possible and just fell in love. It’s become a security blanket for me almost. I remember getting really sick one time and just listened to this album. And any time I would get a really bad headache I would lie in the bathtub and sing this album out loud until I felt better. If it didn’t work, it always at least helped a little. Grand Theft Autumn / Where Is Your Boy was the first song I latched on to. It’s really catchy and just was everything I want. I  also think as a teenage I liked the idea of some guy thinking I was so great, the last good thing about this part of town even, telling me, “Hey I can be so good for you, give me a chance!” I mean I feel like that all the time, “I mean I know I’m not like what you’re looking for entirely but like I’m really great and I could be really great for you if you just gave me a chance. Give me a chance? No? Okay…” Haha. I think I also just really love how it starts off a little low and slow and then they just slam into it, love that…

But like I keep saying Take This To Your Grave is great. For sure one of those albums where I know what song comes next after each song and I know all the lyrics to.

Favorite Line:
“…in the meantime I’ll sport my brand new fashion of waking up with pants on at 4:00 in the afternoon.”

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DAY 10: A song that makes you sad

I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else – A Great Big World

Thoughts:
Guys….it’s been a hot minute. I’m sorry I’ve been slacking, BAD. I knew what song I was going to do for Day 10 when I did Day 9 so I have no excuse. I think writing about this was something I wasn’t looking forward to. Sooo….I put it off. But we’ll get into it so we can get over it and move on, haha.

Thoughts on this song….um heart breaking? Relatable? All the feels? Hard pull to the heartstrings? Um, all of thee above. I really love this album, it has some really great songs that range from happy to sad and silly to serious. I think most of my explanation for choose this song is going to have to come from the memory that is FOREVER tied to it…so here we go.

Memory:
When I was in college, I met this guy (I know, I know…what a start). We became really great friends surprisingly; I’m not the best person at making and keeping friends.. We’d talk all the time and I fell for him so hard. I mean I broke up with my college boyfriend because the feelings I had for this guy were so strong. Then a few months after my breakup, I wrote him this letter about how I had these (stupid) feelings for him but mostly just that I really cared about him as person and just wanted him to be happy. Cringy, I know, I know. I don’t do this ALL the time, okay? I just was putting myself out there because it was eating me alive to keep these feelings from him. I’m a hopeless romantic and I didn’t want my chance at love to pass me by. I know I’m dramatic, you don’t need to tell me. Long story short, he never really said anything in response to it… Ouch, right? After a month or so things went back to normal. We’d text each other all the time, we’d playfully flirt with each other, whatever.

During my senior year of college I convinced him to go to a concert with me near where he lived, so we could see each other and go to an amazing concert (duh). So during my spring break I drove to see him for a day or two. We were going to the concert the night I got into town then I was going to leave the next day to drive to Colorado to spend the rest of the break at my brother’s place. I didn’t know what to expect when we’d see each other; this would of been the first time we met up in person in like 3 or 4 years.

He actually lived an hour or two away from the city the concert was at, so I got a hotel room in the city to make things easier. When I got there I was really nervous and had to take a few deep breaths and talk myself out of freaking out a few times. When he got into town I was trying so hard to keep my cool and put on my best “whatever” / “everything’s chill, man” vibe.

We went Denny’s to get something to eat and then went over to the concert. We awkwardly stood near the back of the venue waiting for the show to start. He saw a few of his friends there so we went to hangout with them. The show was really great. There was a circle pit and I stood behind him and his friend so that rando kids wouldn’t fling into me; which I greatly appreciated them doing (crowds low-key make me uncomfortable, like a lot of other people).

When the show was over we were both on this high because the show was so great and it was a band we really wanted to see and we got to see them together. We went to a gas station and got a bunch of drinks (like tea, water, gatorade – not like alcohol, calm down guys). When we got back to the hotel room we started watching tv…then we started to make out. Which was confusing to me at the time but like I’m not going to turn down an opportunity to make out with this guy I find really attractive and have a huge crush on, okay? So that happens, blahblahblah, and we eventually fall asleep.

He got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and I told myself, “If he comes back and cuddles me then that means he likes me and we could potential become a “thing” but if he doesn’t I’ll move on.” Hey, I didn’t come here to get judged. Again, I am fully aware at how crazy and cringy I am, let me be. When he came back he just laid down next to me and went back to sleep. My heart shattered into a million pieces but I said, ” Okay Universe, I hear you.” and went back to sleep myself.

The next morning we lounged around watching a movie then went to get lunch. After lunch he drove me back to my car and we said our goodbyes. I got in my car and started my trek to Colorado. I held it together pretty well…if I remember correctly. I just kept thinking how dumb I was for thinking we might be a “thing”. It wasn’t until I got into Wyoming and this mother fucking song came on and I lost it. My eyes teared up and I sang my heart out again, and again, and again. This song was on repeat for at least half of my drive. It was so windy driving through Wyoming and there was NOTHING out there. So I’m just cruising down the road, trying to keep my car straight with the wind knocking against, listening to this damn song, low-key sobbing, and my heart just hurting. So that’s why this song makes me sad because of the lyrics, because of the timing, because it was so painfully relatable. I was so sad and hurt but I just didn’t want to love somebody else…I just didn’t.

Have you seen that video of the little boy quietly crying in the backseat while Say Something by these guys is playing? And his dad is asking if he should change the song because the little boy seems really sad? And the little boy says no, he just wants to listen to it and quietly cry? Not only is that ME when listening to Say Something, that’s me every time I listen to this song. I just want to quietly cry in the backseat and not disturb anyone, haha.

Silver lining, I’m still really great friends with this guy and we still talk all the time. But this song will forever remind me of the broken heart I endured from him. (Again with the dramatics, I know. Shut up, let me live my life.)

Favorite Line:
“And now it’s screaming in my head. Oh, I shouldn’t go on hoping. Oh, that you will change your mind. And one day we could start again.”

DAY 9: A song that makes you happy

I Believe – Simian Mobile Disco

Thoughts:
I usually don’t listen to this type of music but they were apart of The Gentlemen of the Road Tour a few years back (GOTR is a festival Mumford and Sons put together, I went to the last one and it changed my life. AHH.MAZING). Winston Marshall from Mumford and Sons talked about them in an interview and said they had a big impact on him and really got him into techno. It’s because of Winston that this song makes me happy which I will explain why, now….

Memory:
So in the interview I mentioned above Winston let’s you in on the trick to techno: hands down, mouth closed. Haha. And he shows you what you look like if you do the opposite. That picture of him dancing with his arms up and his mouth open makes me smile and laugh. So since this is my favorite Simian Mobile Disco song I’ve head so far it makes me happy and think of goofy Winston dancing. And Winston’s in Mumford and Sons. And Mumford and Sons are my favorite and make me thee happiest. SO it’s just a domino effect of happiness and I’m perfectly okay with that.

Here’s the interview I’m referring to (at 6:26): https://youtu.be/Zw6LrSYDH24?t=6m26s

Favorite Line:
“But because it’s perennial don’t make it less real…”

DAY 8: A song about drugs or alcohol

Thrash Unreal – Against Me!

Thoughts:
I’m going to be honest the first song that came to mind when I was thinking of a song for Day 8 was Love Me by Lil Wayne. But gave it some more thought and felt this song better suits the day and me. I recently read LJG’s book, Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock’s Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout, and if I remember correctly she worked at a bar with this lady many years back and this song is kind of about her. After closing they would hangout, drink, do drugs, hookup, and listen to music while they were closing the bar for the night.

I LOVE Against Me! and LJG. So much love in my heart for them. I’ve seen them twice in concert and both times were so amazing. They were doing a meet and greet at a record shop the next town over and I wanted to go so bad. I just wanted to hug all of them and tell them I think they are great and thank them. I wouldn’t of wanted an autograph, maybe not even a picture just wanted to hug them and thank them. I didn’t end up making it out there though. Probably for the best, I would of ended up just smiling at them, not saying anything, nod my head, and then walk away. Hahaha.

Memory:
Oh Against Me! you are the foundation of one of my friendships and for that I am grateful. A few years ago I was working a summer job in another state. There was this one guy who had worked there a few summers and I really liked him. It was definitely one of those rare moments where you just like someone the instant you meet them, with nothing to go off of but the vibe they put out. We started talking about the music we like because I just want to know what/who everyone likes and why, when it comes to music because it’s both fascinating and insightful. We both really loved Against Me! and Mumford & Sons (which someone this year told me is an interesting combo because they both happen to be two of my favorite bands). He had been a fan of there’s forever. I had just recently discovered them a year or two prior thanks to this girl I watched on YouTube. Honestly at the time I think I only knew and loved Thrash Unreal. Which is funny for two reasons: 1) I had developed this weird habit that summer where if I felt uncomfortable or didn’t know what to do (90% of the time) I would scratch the underside of my elbow. When my friend noticed I was doing this he referenced this song, “when people see the track marks on her arms, she knows what they are thinking” because it looked like I was trying to hide something (I wasn’t btw). 2) A few months ago, he was introducing me to one of his friends and he said this song was essentially the reason we became friends.

Anyways, we bonded over our love for Against Me! and our friendship just grew from there. I’m not the best at keeping in touch with people but here we are today still friends. Both shows I’ve gone to were with him. I guess you could say it’s like our unofficial “thing”. It’s because of him I love a lot of the bands I love today; Gaslight Anthem and The Black Keys are prime examples. So this song is near and dear to my heart. It kicked off the start of a beautiful friendship and helped grow my love for Against Me! in general.

Favorite Line:
“This night is gonna end when we’re damn well ready for it to be over. Worked all week long, now the music is playing on our time. Yeah, we do what we do to get by, and then we need a release”

DAY 7: A song to drive to

Put Me In the Car – Ryan Gosling

Thoughts:
You know it really depends where you are driving. My go to, must have for driving on the interstate in a big city are The Black Keys. They just give me all this confidence, make me feel badass, and help me focus. Like, “No sir you will not cut me off!” or “I can totally merge onto this exit safely.” It’s weird, I know but it works so let me be. When I’m on long drives on old highways I need to listen to songs I can sing along to, obviously. Windows down, blue skies, jams on blast…perfection. Then there’s drives you go on to just get out and think. For that you need some quality folk rock acousticness. Or driving my brother around, just cruising, listening to hip hop and driving down back roads or all over the city.

But this song…it’s a hidden gem, I think. I like driving and listening to music with no real agenda or plan on where I’m going. It just helps you put things into perspective, one could say it helps you feel free again. I love love love this song.

Memory:
I remember going through my, “I’m obsessed with Ryan Gosling” phase. I think it started when I found out he was a musician. I found this song and then discovered Dead Man’s Bones. I listened to this song a lot in college. I tend to get easily overwhelmed by my thoughts (who doesn’t?) and I use to just escape the overthinking, overanalyzing, irrelevant stuff by laying on my bed and listening to this song (since I didn’t have a car at school for the first year or two). Like I said I really love driving, which is funny because I didn’t get my license until I was 17; which is not unreasonably late but still.. When I lived with my brother and when I visit him, we like to just listen to music and drive around town. I grew up going on long road trips with my family. My brother and I would even go on drives with our dad at least twice a month out of town for his work. There’s a sort of comfort I find on the road especially roads I have traveled on multiple times throughout my life. So I really “connected” with this song you could say; just put me in the car and drive, anywhere. Let me get that fresh air and ground myself.

This song also has a romantical aspect to it. And I’m like low-key super into (that might be an oxymoron…) romance, ugh. Just the idea of having a companion that’ll go on a long drive with you and essentially tell you everything you are worried about is in your head. Then they kiss you and you start to feel like everything will be all right. Swoooon!

I’m sure the original meaning or inspiration for this song is completely different than what I think it is. But this was kinda of my interpretation of it and what it means to me.

Favorite Line:
“Darkness thinks I’m pretty and the rain covets my soul …”

DAY 6: A song that makes you want to dance

Complicated – Fitz and The Tantrums

Thoughts:
Funny enough I created a playlist on Spotify recently called “We Should Probably Dance” so I can keep track of songs I can dance to, haha. I only had two songs on there so far, this song and Stitches by Shawn Mendes. Other songs that should probably be on there: Shape of You by Ed Sheeran and Love on the Brain by Rihanna. I picked this song though because I CANNOT listen to it and NOT dance or bop around in my chair (because sometimes I listen to it at work). Pop songs are my go to dance music.

I wish I could be a badass dancer. I mean I wish I had badass ballerina skills (I did ballet as a kid but my instructor got married and I didn’t like my new studio so I quit…classic me), in sync hop hop moves (like Step Up used to be one of my favorite movies), and even smooth ballroom expertise. But atlas I feel like such an idiot when I dance so I’ll just keep jumping around in the comfort of my home, continue to swing my hips and bop up and down at shows, and on a rare occasions make an appearance in da club.

Memory:
I recently saw Fitz and The Tantrums. I’m familiar with a handful of their songs. Out of My League was like my song for awhile. I heard Complicated (I think the first time) at that show. And I was like, Oh my god…I LOVE this. They make great upbeat, dancey music and put on a pretty good show. I will say the solos felt a little long at times, that would be my only criticism.

But that was a great day. I got to hang outside with my best friend, soaking up the sun and listening to music; making of my ideal day. Quality day. Local “smaller” festivals are my jam. None of this Coachella, Bonaroo, etc. There’s just too too too many people and the crowds always seem like a crap shoot. Ya’ll need to hit up your local festivals and smaller venues, you can see some quality musicians when you keep a pulse on the scene.

Favorite Line:
“Yeah you! Don’t you know, you’re a wild animal! Broke my heart in two every time you got to go!”

This was just a fun day so I didn’t have a lot of insight or meaning I wanted to address, sorry!

DAY 5: A song that needs to be played LOUD

Guys…it’s been a hot minute. I’m sorry I got a little sidetracked and was struggling to find a good song for this day. But I think I got one, so let’s do this AND continue to do this!

When My Time Comes – Dawes

Thoughts:
So like I mentioned I really struggled with this one, I have no clue why. Every song felt forced. Originally the first songs that came to mind where all Fall Out Boy songs: Grand Theft Autumn, Alone Together, Miss Missing You, etc., etc. Mostly songs from my youth or songs I know all the words to because when you know the words to a song you just can’t sing the song, you got to crank up the volume and belt it out. Because you know the song and you need everyone to know that you do because you’re just THAT badass, obviously. But on Thursday I had the pleasure of attending, An Evening with Dawes (front row, great crowd, low-key fell in love with Taylor (sorry Mandy Moore), high-key one of the best concerts evahh).. Anyways… they played this song and it hit me. This is it, this is the song I ALWAYS play AND sing loud, so how could I not choose this song?!

Memory:
The first time I saw Dawes I had never heard of them before. I went to Gentlemen of the Road in Salida (best decision of my life to attend that festival..btw) and they played the first night, right before Flaming Lips…maybe? There were these three or four guys in front of me who were there to see them and then this group of girls who stood next to me. One girl in particular was super stoked to be there (her friends even mentioned driving a few hours just so she could see them). And when they came out it was like the best day of her life and it was just the raddest thing to witness. She was singing, dancing, and possibly a few tears might of fallen; it was so cool.

I’m really bad when it comes to concerts. What I mean by that is I like a band before I see them in concert (most of the time), I know “enough” about them and their songs. BUT I always leave a bigger fan than I came in being; 9 times out of 10. No…maybe 10 times out of 10. Because I REALLY love Mumford & Sons but I left those shows loving them even more than I did before the show (somehow). My point is I like to go to shows for the music/artists (obviously) but I also like to go to watch the fans. The people who love these people with all there hearts and know all the words and are like…just so happy to be there. Ahh, it’s one of my favorite things! It warms my heart and just makes me really happy. I know that feeling but it’s a very intimate, vulnerable, personal feeling I don’t openly display. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched YouTube videos of my favorite artists low-key tearing up saying, “I love them! They’re so great! I just want to hug them! D’awww!” So I love seeing people like that at concerts.

Back to Dawes, haha, so this girl loved them and was having the time of her life. And I’m sitting there thinking these guys are pretty good. Their fans LOVE them for good reason, they’re amazing. And I wanted to share in this girl’s intense love for them. I don’t know her, don’t even know her name but I want to connect with her and this band because look at her. You see someone love something so fully and you want to be apart of it and share that love as well (that sounds weird…whatever). So I came home after that trip and bought all their albums; which is rare for me. I’m usually a song here, a song there, kind of person (I know..I know, I’m the worst). But Dawes was just great, I loved it all, I wanted it all, I got it; it all made sense. Dawes makes great music, they put on a great show, and I bet any Dawes fan you come across is a really rad, really cool, awesome person (I say that because I recently found out two of my favorite people love them and I was like of course you do, you have great taste in music! Not because I like Dawes…come one guys give me more credit than that). Did this get weird? A little bit? Sorry guys…

Uhh song story short…this song needs to be played loud and you have to sing the chorus loud. You just have to.

Favorite Line:
“You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks… You can stare into the abyss but it’s staring right back…”

DAY 4: A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

Stellar – Incubus

Thoughts:
I really enjoyed Incubus during my teen years. Drive was probably the first song of theirs that I liked. Then Wish You Were Here, that ones a classic. They have some pretty great guitar work. Incubus is good chilling out music or background music while you’re working on something. With Stellar I felt like they did a good job at creating a outer space, floating in the stars type of vibe. They actually give off that whole vibe to me with most of their songs which is probably why I think it’s good chilling out music.

Memory:
High school boyfriend loved Incubus, need I say more? I always liked them, he loved them, which ended up with them being a little tainted. Super unfortunate for me. I think this was his favorite song of theirs. So every time I hear it I roll my eyes. He was teaching himself how to play the guitar and he would play me some songs over the phone; Stellar was one of them. One Year, Six Months and Hey There Delilah are a few other songs that initially generate the same type of reaction. Ex-boyfriends who ruin music/songs for you are the worst…

Favorite Line:
“Meet me in outer space. I will hold you close if you’re afraid of heights. I need you to see this place…”

DAY 3: A song that reminds you of summertime

Kiss A Girl – Keith Urban

Thoughts:
For some reason when it starts to warm up outside, I find myself listening to country music like Keith Urban, Luke Bryan, Lady Antebellum, etc. I have no clue why. I listened to a lot of country in the car with my dad growing up but even then it was 90s – 00’s country. This type of music just sounds good with the windows rolled down, cruising down the road.

Memory:
My first memory of liking a Keith Urban song is when my family was on vacation and You’ll Think of Me was constantly on the radio. I just loved the line, “Take your cat and leave my sweater ’cause we have nothing left to weather.” He doesn’t actually say “cat” I think he says “cap” but I always thought it was cat. It seemed like such an odd thing to tell someone to take, “I don’t want the cat, you take it. But that sweater! I NEED that back.” Hahaha.

This song though, I found on someone from work’s Myspace page, I know…random. But I was like this is such a fun song so I downloaded it. I would listen to it while I rode my bike around town. I’d go to this lake near where I was living at the time and just sit there by the shore…beach…whatever you call it and listen to music. So this song makes me think of that time in my life; warm late afternoon bike rides that bled into cool summer nights .

It also makes me think of the person’s whose Myspace page I found this song on. I think he had gotten out of a relationship and could relate to this song or something? I don’t remember… But connecting our emotions or states of being to music is so fascinating and powerful. I don’t know how many times I’ve used music to convey my thoughts and feelings. I’m just like, “Ahh! That! That’s how I feel! They articulated it so well! Listen to this, really listen to it and you’ll understand!” I mean that’s what I’m saying in my head, out loud I’m just like “Hey, listen to this song.. good huh?” Internally scream: “That’s how I feel! Get it?!”

Favorite Line:
“But the night is young, and it’s been awhile…”

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