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This Fickle Heart

Month

July 2015

The “Ex”-List: A Review of the boys I liked, loved, and regretted…

1. Crush – Jennifer Paige: You were my very first crush from like kindergarten to fifth grade. And it ended there only because you moved to Michigan or something. In second grade I wrote you a note that had crush written in cursive and like a giant rainbow on the front and it said something like I have a crush on you. The teacher caught me passing it to you and pulled me aside and asked, “What would your parents think?!” and I said, “…they wouldn’t care..?” Anyways you ended up keeping the note and at the end of the year when we cleaned out our desks you turned to me and said, “Look what I still have!” as you held up the lovely note I made you. I cringed and awkwardly laughed…which I later learn is thee only way I know how to handle awkward situations, by laughing. I would listen to this song on repeat as I rode my bike in my backyard thinking that you were totally my crush. So thanks for being my first real crush and not being a total jerk to me or making me feel like a complete idiot. Hope you are doing swell.

2. With You – Jessica Simpson: Talk about a double throwback – this song and my first real boyfriend. To be honest I felt like you were the first guy who ever liked me. You sister and her friend asked me if I would ever go out with you. I probably said, “I don’t know, why?” and then they told me you liked me and you wanted to ask me out. We went out…I think with your sister and that same friend to the movies. We dated for like half the school year. I still have a bunch of random gifts you got me in a box in my closet. We also went to the school dance together and I have a picture of the two of us dancing – both wearing navy blue hoodies btw. You were a great first boyfriend honestly. I think we only “broke up” because summer happened and we lost touch. I ran into you in college actually – which was the weirdest thing. And you were so nice when I said, “Hey!” I definitely walked away from that conversation thinking, “Wow…he’s so nice. I’m really glad I can call him my first ever boyfriend.” While we were dating I spent a lot of my time listening to my XM Radio and during this time this song would come on the Top 20 station constantly and I always associated it with you and our time dating for some reason. You’re great, hope you’re staying awesome.

3. Burning Down the House – Talking Heads: So…we dated like for a day? We saw Racing Stripes (horrible movie fyi) for our first date. We hugged afterwards or after school one day and I was just like yeah…nothing, no spark. (I watched watch a lot of romantic movies and fully believe in the power of the “spark” or the rush of butterflies someone has the ability to give you.) And sadly I felt nothing. Funny thing about this story is I only ever thought I wanted to date you because I was in love with the movie 13 Going on 30 and my mom thought that you were my Matty. You were dating my now best friend and you guys broke up during the Christmas play I think…and then you and I started dating (again only for a day, then I broke up with you). You’re super sweet and I probably confused the fuck out of you because I was like let’s go out! just kidding…let’s not. You’re a great guy though and I remember you’re mom being super sweet too. And I was really good friends with a couple of your cousins. Just weird story/relationship all around. But I picked this song because it’s a song in 13 Going On 30 and one of Matty’s favorites so I thought it served as a good representation of our short lived romance.

4. At the Library – Green Day: Ugh…you. You were and probably still are one of my favorite boyfriends ever. I mean we had a middle school relationship and we never even kissed…but you made me mix tapes!!! And no one else has ever done that for me and it’s something I wish everyone would do you me! Haha. You had such great taste in music, you were so cute, creative, funny, and just I really liked having you as my boyfriend. It was really hard getting over you because again summer happened and we just kind of lost touch and then in the Fall we went to separate high schools. It was ridiculously hard to pick a song for you because honestly too many good ones, like songs from The Clash, Slipknot (yeah…I liked Slipknot in middle school), old school Green Day. You were “punk” (as punk as a small town kid going to a Catholic school can be, okay?) and you were so fascinating to me. But I settled on this one because it’s one of my favorites, it’s from a CD you burned me, and I can’t help not thinking about you whenever old school Green Day comes on. God I hope you’re living the dream and doing something creative or in the film industry like you wanted – you’re great and will forever have a place in my heart (deal with it).

5. Stellar – Incubus: You’re an asshole. You were my boyfriend through high school and boy did I learn a lot of lessons from dating you. You were at the time my first love – you were such a douche though that I don’t believe that to be true anymore. You were basically my first everything. I cared about you a lot, more than I cared about myself – which I now know is never good or healthy. You used me. I wasted so much money on you. You were manipulative and always made me feel like everything was my fault and the sad part was I always believed it was. We dated on and off. And you ended up cheating on me and breaking up with me on my birthday. And now I know why the week before you broke up with me you were crying, it’s because you were lying to me and had no backbone to just tell me then and there. It’s because of you it still takes me a long time to trust people. I just hope you didn’t hurt my friend after the two of you broke up – I’ll never know because once you two started dating she blocked me and stopped talking to me. So thanks for that. Also next time you have an epiphany in a jail cell don’t create a new Facebook account just to apologize to me and tell me how you realized how horrible you were to me. Because I don’t care and it’s way too late for that bullshit. You always loved Incubus and now every time I hear them it leaves a bad taste in my mouth – so thanks for that. I hate you and I hope I never run into again. Fuck you.

6. Ohio Is For Lovers – Hawthorne Heights: I never really met you…but you were friends with one of my friends. You were like super pretty (like definition of a pretty boy). You always wore a “Don’t mess with the Hawthorne Heights” tee-shirt (I actually have the same one – HA!). I just thought you were really cute and was very infatuated with you for some time. I picked this song because of the whole shirt thing…duh. This song though, oh man the emo mems though. Haha.

7. Bigger Scars Make Better Stories – Search the City: I had a crush on you, we met at work, you had amazing taste in music. I remember I asked you out! But it didn’t work out because our lunches didn’t line up and you probably didn’t think anything of it.. But I asked you and you said yes and I always thought that was really cool and nice of you even though we never actually went to get lunch together. Okay – he was ridiculously cute and he didn’t get weirded out by me asking him to eat lunch with me, it was and still is a HUGE deal to me so…yeah. You had plugs, short curly hair, and listened to great music and I was swooning over you even after I stopped working there. I use to talk to you about music and ask what you recommend I listen to. You mentioned this band, I downloaded their album, and fell in love! And I always thought that was so amazing – how someone could casual mention a band to me and I end up so in love with it. I referred to you as my musical soulmate for quite sometime. Musical soul mates are the best and if you find them hold on to them! We lost touch, I was probably too much of a creeper (classic me), but I hope you moved on to bigger and better things. Maybe our paths will cross again and you’ll remember me and it’ll be a whole adorable cute thing. Who knows.

8. Seventeen Years – Ratatat: On to the college boyfriend…you were great and I miss you all the time. I meet and spent time with your family and friends – I loved all of them and think of them sporadically and smile. You honestly were great to me but I was just in a weird place in my life and screwed everything up. I wish I could tell you I was sorry for being an idiot. Your mom and brothers were so nice to me when I stayed with you. And your dad was an amazing cook. And your friends..UGH don’t get me started on your friends – honestly some of the greatest people I’ve met – I wish I could just hug them all. I originally was going to put Dog Days are Over because your little brother and I were listening to that song when I was driving him home one day and he was singing it and hamming it up, you know how he is. But I thought nah…so I settled on a Ratatat song because you introduced them to me  and this is one of my favorite songs. I remember when I was eating dinner in the dining hall after the first day of classes and you came up to me and asked for my number. I gave it to you but thought the whole time how it was some kind of joke or contest to see which guy could get the most numbers or something. But you actually asked me out and we went for a hike and it was really nice. You were a really great boyfriend and I screwed the pooch on that one. I hope you find what you’re looking for, be safe out there, give all your friends a hug for me, and call your mom every once in awhile.

9. The Whistle Song – Kill Bill Vol. 1: You were sweet, you made really great guacamole…you were a complete and total rebound for me and I cringe when I think about the whole situation. I’m sorry – you were cute, a little too emotional, we didn’t really have anything in common, and just…yeah – it wouldn’t of worked. Sorry if I hurt you – I’m sure you’ll find someone great, someone for you. It just wasn’t ever going to be me. Oh and in terms of the song, we watched Kill Bill the first time we hung out and it was the first time I ever saw it, good movie. But can’t help but think of you when this little ditty gets stuck in my head.

10. Lonely Boy – The Black Keys: Now here we are. Confessed my undying love for you (yes, I’m being overdramatic, I’m aware) and we still haven’t really talked about it or your feelings towards me. You’re one of my best friends but it’s really difficult being your friend sometimes. I wish I could go back to when I didn’t tell you I had feelings for you because you weren’t so weird. It’s difficult holding a conversation with you now without it getting weird. I just want the guy who used to call me when he got drunk and talk about some girl he was in love with that didn’t love him back and how sad it made him. Yes – I miss that guy because at least then I felt like you would talk to me about stuff and confide in me. You never do that anymore. I don’t even have feelings for you anymore and you’re in a relationship with the love of your life apparently. I just want us to be friends and you to tell me how in love with and great your girlfriend is. YES, I honestly want to hear these things! I live for that sort of shit – I always try and ask people how they met their partner/significant other when I get the chance because I love romance and two people being happy together. Literally what I live for – so please everyone tell me all your love and romance stories like how you met and stuff, PLEASE. Everything is just weird with you recently and that’s all I can think to say about it. I picked this song because haHA! you are musical soulmate numbero duos! And this is one of the bands we bonded over and I remember you being so pumped about this album and it was like the first single off of it so – Kablam – there it is.

-End Saga One: I am one of those assholes who gets infatuated A LOT…like constantly, it’s ridiculous. So I am sure there will be more of these to come. Either new crushes or love interests or I’ll remember someone else from my past. So stay tuned.-

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Introduction to This Fickle Heart

My name’s McKenzie and I love music more than anything honestly. I’m not sure what this blog will evolve into but we’ll figure it out along the way. I love all kinds of music so hopefully you can find something you like or can relate to. That’s all I have for this post – keep it short, keep it simple. Nothing but music here on out. Stay tuned.

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